The price you pay

it's all about love

and I know I love you

I'd do anything

all you need is ask

but it's just not the same

I want so bad to share this with you

but i don't think you'll be coming back

and that's ok, if it's what you need

I can't stop saying

I'm sorry

you should of left me a long time ago

I'm not proud

I wish I could of done things different

I just want to make it all up to you

but I know better

it's the first time in my life

I put her needs before mine

I know it's all gonna be alright

I can't turn around and backtrack

this is the way things are

and I'm not gonna look back

step by step

I'll walk this path

so new,

so unfamiliar

but for the first time

I don't fret

because I know

I know

he's there for me

Some of those cliche things are so true

I never realized I was such a fool

so afraid

to feel

I tried so hard to keep it at bay

I think about all I had

I think about all I lost

I guess maybe it's time to let go

I want to hold on so bad

I wish I knew

every little thing I could not see

all I took for granted

how could I be so blind

I just want to turn back the clock

grab hold of it

of you

embrace it with all I've got

hindsight is such a twisted thing

how could I know

my life wouldn't be the same

such a gift to see your face

and start my day

to have you share my bed

to have you put your arms around me

to wake up and make love to you

damm I'm was such a fool...

now my bed is empty and cold

cause your not here anymore

I just want you to come back home

but I don't know if you'll ever knock on that door

I miss you so much

my life

my heart

my soul

I'll never hold back

I'll never give you doubt

I'll never make those mistakes

but maybe this is the cost to know such things

it's a high price to pay

and now I know

I won't ever go back

so bitter sweet

my eyes open wide

I can see so vividly

they say, if it's true

then it will find it's way back to you

So I put my faith in truth

it's truth that will set me free

I'd give you everything

all of me

my life

my heart

my soul

and if it's not you

that comes knocking on this door

I promise not to ever be such a fool

i won't ever lose another like you

my life

my wife

I wonder who she'll be

that comes knocking on this

door...

Faith

My heart beats, and my soul wonders

no one said it would be easy

this life

it's the only you have my friend

I ask for strengh....

I feel like i've done it all wrong

but there is no right way to follow your heart

I ask for strength...

all this will be as what it's meant to be

too long I held back

too long, my fear directed me

I can't stop being afraid

the fear will never leave

I ask for strength...

I purge these things from my body

I may be wrong,

I may be right,

I will not know till I'm on the other side

I ask for strength...

little by little

the sun starts to shine

my mind is staring to break free

I used to let the fog

blanket me,

shield me,

I ask for strength...

this man won't hide

you are my

love

you are my

life

I know with you at my

side

I can do anything

I ask you to believe in

me

I ask for you hand

you give me

strength

I'll be a better man...

Prolific Digestions - Installment #2

On the cusp of another year. A celebration, or just a marker. Life can change so fast. Destiny or fate...if there were such a thing. All consequences came with a choice. This is the consequence of a poor choice.

I'm sorry my friend.

Theses eyes...

their what's left when everything else changes. Their always there, looking back. They never seem to forget.

Racing, running, I want to stop. Catch my breath, but this thing eats away at me. Piece by piece, and tell me,

what's left.

Intangible things I so want to grasp. And now the consequence leads me back to a choice.

Chose to learn from those mistakes. Chose not to. Chose to stay, running in place. In between can't keep me trapped.

The stakes are raised. Buildings must be built first. Seeds must be planted before flowers blossom.

But the smell of a rose isn't as sweet as a prick from a thorn.

The balance must be found.

The sleeper within...

So afraid to let him wake. Siring inside, something breaths. Alone again. It seems to be unavoidable. How did we end up here?

I have to remind myself, that all things are temporary. Everything, so nice and so sweet. For a time, I came so close to it. I think I was there...

For a moment, not so long, I believe. It only comes in moments. Those memories, so sweet. I was standing there, feeling complete. If only for a moment...

And everything changes again. I ask, I wonder, what this chapter will bring. And here I am again.

I had no idea, the bridge would bring me here.

All things must change my friend.

I ask for her hand. My little birdie must be set free. Maybe she'll come back to me. I have to say, I don't know what to believe.

What's a life worth living, if it's only alone, with no one to share the little things. Tell me damm it, I ask you, please...

All things will be what their meant to be. Together or alone, I will cross this bridge. Whatever it will be, I know it will only streghthen this tree. We can all walk alone. It's not easy , but it's what's known. It's together, that makes me wonder.

Together...

I'm sorry, but the past must be known. Those things I kept hidden for so long. She needs to know the was man I was in order to understand the man I'm trying to be.

I thought I knew everything. My precious gem, I can't protect you anymore. I had to make sure,

I had to make sure, I gave you the

choice.

So the choice is yours, yours to

own.

And I'll know that if you take my hand, you will have made that choice and we'll come out the other end side by side.

Together we will stand.

I'm not afraid anymore...

I know it's all my fault.

She's the most beautiful thing these unworthy eyes have ever seen. I just want to be worthy of such a thing...

I love you.

Prolific Digestions - Installment #1

Stuck in the in the isolation of one's own mind.  Trapped in the purgatory of self.  How could one escape the constant analyzation.  

Patients is yet still a virtue that does not come easy.  I thought maybe it would....but I was poorly mistaken.  

The filter stays on.  It must.  There really isn't a choice about it, is there?  

The oh so familiar abyss of chaos.  Like a mermaid in the sea, she sings to me.  Taunting me.  Seducing me.  

I can't go back though.  I know what the end holds.  

If you have to ask, then there is no need to for you know.  

Live happily in your ignorant bliss.  It's better that you don't know, don't understand.  Shit, I don't even understand, but I know.  I know it's there, right under the surface.  Festering....

These eyes.  The memories that stay locked inside.  They are what's left.  Reminders of past, beautiful, ugly, happy, painful.  A road map of the path you can't allow yourself to take.  The ink saturated in your skin won't allow you to forget.  

The filter must stay on...

A war of the mind and heart.  And I think one is losing.  This four letter word haunts me.

Maybe I'll spontaneously combust.  The ideas, the desire to achieve more, burns inside.  The sleeper within.  

Unconditional, beautiful.  If only maybe it could be a reflection of me.  The only love that doesn't scare me...the only love that keep me safe, the only love I can put my faith in.

A self loathing, narcissistic view.  

Of course it's safe.  It's unconditional, it's pure, it's simple.  

You coward.  

Toyota Commercial ( 1st AD)

Alright, the good news is, I've been working soo much I haven't had time to "blog" for the past two weeks. So let's get straight to it.

My producer called me up and asked me to come on to this project. Same Director as last time, except, this time it's a paid gig. Gian said he was so pleased with my work ethic last time, that he just had to have me AD this next project. Luckily it was only a two day shoot, on Sat. & Sun. I was scheduled to work at the restaurant, but how could I pass up the opportunity to work on set and get paid. So thankfully, my Buca boss, J-Dog, gave me the weekend off to work the commercial.

It was a cool gig. The crew was a little bigger this time and I felt so right AD-ing. It's kinda of like when you break in a brand new pair of shoes. Feels goood. We stayed on schedule, got all the shots, and managed to do with little or no problems. (Good job me!!) So that officially locked in my spot as "the team AD".

F#*k yeah baby....

Gianfilippo Pedrotti & Richard DeSanto on Location 35MM Toyota commercial

Week 2 (WIP)

So in case you were wondering, yes it's for reals, and totally legit!

So it's really quiet here right now. There is kind of a weird vibe in the air though. For everyone else, it's their last week. So there still isn't much for me to do. I've spent a majority of my time browsing the web, you know the usual facebook ect. (I do have to say I've been spending a lot of time playing a new facebook game, Mob Wars, it's fun, join my mob if your my friend!!) But after this week is over, the office is going down to five and there will only be little ol' me to help everyone. So I figure this is the quiet before the storm, cause I know it's going to be hetick.

Oh yeah, I don't like being new at anything, ya know? That whole learning curve of what's what, and who's who, and how to do this or that. It's not knowing what to do... is lame. I don't like to suck at anything that I do. But the whole situation is very rare, so I'll make due, I'm just complaining. F#$& I'm just happy to have a steady paycheck every week dammit!

After work today, I'm going to pick up my little sister, Monique. She's gonna come hang out with me and the doggies for a couple days. She's working now and she's supposed to start jr. college in a couple weeks, so this is the only window of time that works out for her. Not to mention, her birthday is coming up at the end of the month. F#&$ man, my baby sister is gonna be 18. Sh$* man, I remember changing her dirty diapers!? Well, I figure this week we'll chill and celebrate. (that is, when I'm not working) We'll see, things should go good.

WIP (Warner Independent Pictures)

So in case you didn't know, WIP is the "the arthouse division of Warner Bros. " They have recently announced that the are closing down. (what a shame? No?) However, there is still one film that needs to be released before they close shop.

"Ok, so what", your asking yourself. Since WIP is closing down, they need some extra help to finish releasing this new Alan Ball film, "Towel Head". So that's where I come in. I'll be working for the VP of Publicity to help release the film. I might even get to meet the director, (who is working on this cool HBO series called, "True Blood") and make the premiere too? (Wouldn't that be cool?)

So after all the cool things, that might be coming up, the gig is up until they close, which is in the next two months. So maybe this could lead to something else. But as of right now, I've finally landed a full time gig. (Even if it's only for 2 months)

So wish me luck, cause I'll still be working at the restaurant on the weekends. Yes, that means I'll be working seven days a week. I'm not worried cause it's better then not working, ya know?

Some exciting stuff might be happening, so stay posted!